If you’re anything like me, you probably spend most of your spare time contemplating various measures you could take to deal with a trained assassin hired to hunt you down and kill you.

arooaroo / Flickr)

(photo credit: arooaroo / Flickr)

While there was a lot of talk lately about the average blue collar guy readily associating with the ‘Joe the Plumber’ image, folks like me identify much more closely with ‘Joe Could-I-Kill-A-Hitman-With-Items-Off-The-Shelf-At-Target-If-I-Had-To.’
You know…just in case.

Often I had wondered if I was alone in my musings, if my family life was just skewed when I was growing up. Evidence of this possibility worried me greatly. As a child, my little brother had once written down his rules for becoming an assassin – he hid the list in his room and, when my parents found it, they thought little of it:

  1. Kill people.
  2. Get paid to kill people.
  3. Don’t get caught.

Could it be that his three simple rules for a life of cloak-and-dagger business somehow affected my development? Was our upbringing the source of our apparently shared obsession with a world so foreign to everyone else around us?

For years I wondered if that could be it – I was simply developmentally inclined to prepare myself for the likely possibility of a hired killer on my trail moreso than everyone else. Little did I know that the prospect of just such an unfortunate situation wasn’t isolated to me and my kin.

I stumbled across an article about something called ‘StreetWars‘ back in September and that’s when everything changed.

He had been sneaking around like a noir hero for two and a half weeks, finding new and shadowy exits to his regular places. He was tired from lack of sleep, and while it was early yet, he was looking forward to a stiff cocktail when he got upstairs.

But first he had to get there alive.

StreetWars, as far as I can tell, is an alternative-reality game that starts off with a gathering of would-be assassins armed with squirtguns. All parties involved provide various personal details about themselves that will then be used to track them down during the game. A different target is assigned to each player who then, upon squirting or getting squirted, is passed on to the successful ‘killer.’

This goes on until there’s only one successful assassin left.

To me, this appears to be a brilliant opportunity for me to test my ninja-proofing that I’ve been so diligently attending to over the years. Unfortunately, it appears to only take place in large cities – not sprawling suburban nightmares like Orange County California.

Sadly, until the shadow government that runs this StreetWars affair sees the full potential in suburbanite hatchetmen like myself, I suppose I’ll just have to keep practicing my defensive moves in the kitchen aisle of my local Target.